Below is a short discussion inspired by episode #995 of The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes.

Dating can be difficult as doubts and fears get in the way of getting to know someone. But when we accept our fears, insecurities, and pain as part of ourselves, we can have more success and fulfillment in seeking relationships.

On this episode of The School of Greatness, Nikki Glaser talks about the insecurities, fears, and the heartbreaks we avoid with the people we’re attracted to.

How do we avoid these? Through accepting ourselves, accepting rejection, and accepting criticism.

• Accept yourself. Realize that you are more than your flaws and limitations. You have beauty, talent, and value that are uniquely yours. When we focus on the things that make us good people and great partners, we can learn to accept the love and appreciation of others.
• Accept rejection. When we accept rejection as a possible outcome of approaching someone, we can shift our approach from getting what we want, to getting to know someone else. This allows us to communicate our personality more easily, without scaring the other person away with pressure.
• Accept criticism. Someone else criticizing us can be a matter of their opinion. And it might not actually reflect who we are. We don’t need to change who we are just because of a few people who can’t understand us.

When we accept and stand by our own worth, amidst the rejection and criticism, we can have better relationships with other people. More importantly, we can have a better relationship with ourselves.

the distilld lessons

Here are the distilld lessons inspired by episode #995 from The School of Greatness episode featuring Nikki Glaser.

We often reject the love people have for us because we don’t think we deserve it. We abandon the idea of a relationship, in order to prevent pain and rejection.  

When we learn to love ourselves despite our flaws and focus on the things that make us good people and great partners, we can learn to accept the love and appreciation of others.  

We have to realize that we are more than what we lack. We have beauty, talent, and value that is unique to us alone. These more than make up for our imperfections.

Rejection isn’t the worst reaction we can experience. There will be times when people take offense or become annoyed by us regardless of what we’ve done.

Make the move even with cold feet. Rejection is a part of connection, just as much as failure is a part of success. You either get the “yes” you want, or you get the lesson you need.

Talk to people randomly. As long as you’re mindful of the situation and what you say, it can be a great way to brighten someone’s day and make you comfortable in making casual conversation.

When we accept rejection as a possible outcome of conversation, we can talk more naturally. We can focus on saying things we want, instead of obsessing over the outcome we want.

Being self-confident and genuine has its price, but it’s a price worth paying. We don’t need to change who we are just because of a few people who can’t understand us.

When we accept and stand by our own worth, amidst the rejection and criticism, we can have better relationships with other people. More importantly, we can have better relationships with ourselves.

Applying It

• Be mindful of your strengths too. Self-acceptance isn’t just about accepting your flaws. It’s also about showing appreciation for yourself—be it your acts of kindness, your work ethic, or your skills.
• Talk to people randomly. As long as you’re respectful and sensitive to others, it can be a great way to brighten someone’s day and make you comfortable in making conversation.
• Observe yourself in conversation. When you’re trying to talk to someone you like, be mindful of what you say, do, or think during conversation. This helps you analyze yourself after the fact, and helps you improve your communication skills.
• Don’t instantly change yourself to please others. You don’t have to instantly change a part of who you are just because there is someone who doesn’t like it. Analyze your behavior first, alone or with someone, and assess whether or not you really did something bad.

For a more in depth conversation, the distilld lessons (extended) are here.